TRAILS OF PAIN
He is the secret that haunts you. Day and night, his fair skin, brown eyes, curly hair reminds you of a past that has refused to stay buried.
In a large hall with lilac coloured wall and gold flickering chandelier, a big banner is hanging by the wall with a picture of you, Bode and little Sammie. Blue balloons and red ribbons are plastered on the walls. A big spider man theme cake is on the high center table with the letter four pinned atop. Children are buzzing up and down. The nannies are having their hands full with their chocolate smeared wards running around with electric energy.
You should be happy today. It’s your son’s birthday. Yet the fanfare, laughter and loud music could not alleviate your mood. Nothing seems to work these days. This guilt is tightening its grip on your throat and the truth is fighting to escape. You are almost going insane. A lone tear slides down your face as you watch Sammie, he was in his full Spider-Man armour, your husband, Bode, is also dressed in the outlandish attire just because ‘his’ son had insisted.
“His son! Indeed,” you spit.
Ohhhh… Jennifer, quit playing yourself. Save yourself the burden of this lie. Every morning and night… You rise to see Stanley in Sammie’s face. That smile, those bushy eyebrows… that slight stuttering speech. Christ!
Four years, you have hid it perfectly well. You think it didn’t matter. You have prayed and atoned for this lie yet as you leave the church to go home you find your darling little secret waiting for you. With his tiny arms folding around you in embrace. His little mouth saying mother, with trust…. with love.
Hahhaahhahhaha! Mother… You are. How perfect!
You are the Jezebel that still glides the earth. Bode doesn’t deserve this. You know it. The past burns in your mind – you were only 19 when the mistake occurred, when Stanley had denied the pregnancy. So, before the clouds came crashing on your head, you had gone to Bode. Sweet clueless Bode.
You opened your legs for him. Even as he thrust into you, your belly juggled with a two-week old foetus nestled in your womb.
“Mom! Look! Dad is a champ!” Sammie called.
You look up, Bode is bearing Sammie high on his shoulders, the two are giggling like they are in on a joke that only they know.
You arise – your shaky feet gliding through the room. Your mind raging within. Your heart pounding heavily. It is now or never.
Life is nothing without peace. Standing two feet away from Bode. Staring deep into his smiling eyes.
You say… “We need to talk.”